You’ve accepted the fact that you are single. Nay, you’ve embraced it! You love living the single life and all the bonuses that come with it (You don’t have to share the bed! You can keep your apartment at whatever temperature you want!). However, certain things in life exist solely to remind you of your relationship status. And each one of these instances has left you saying to yourself, “I am single AF.”
1. Getting invited to a wedding and being graciously given a plus-one. But instead, you’re like, “Can I bring a bottle of sauvignon blanc as my plus-one?” You don’t mind going to weddings alone, really, you don’t. But having to send the RSVP card back to the bride with a big fat X over the box for “will be enjoying my tenderloin alone and will also probably die alone while we’re at it” gets more painful and real each time.
2. Bouquet tosses. While we’re on the topic of weddings, why must every wedding do the bouquet toss to the “Single Ladies” song? You used to love that song but now as soon as it comes on, the dance floor parts like the Red Sea and everybody turns and stares at you, the lone single lady who will probably still not catch the bouquet.
3. When your best friend gets a boyfriend. NNNOOOOOOOOooOOoOOooo! R.I.P., Friday night wing woman, Saturday afternoon brunch buddy, and happy hour homie. T’was real while it lasted.
4. Your kitchen pantry. It’s basically a leaning tower of Easy Mac boxes and approximately nine bottles of wine you’ve stocked up on. And your fridge is full of leftover takeout food that you hold on to so your kitchen appliances don’t look completely empty and barren, like your love life.
5. Recipes that yield two servings. You decide to actually cook for once, but every recipe makes enough food for you and the boyfriend you don’t have. Why, god, why? Is it that hard to make recipes with measurements for single people so you don’t have to be further single-shamed by your penne pasta? The only upside to this is having dinner ready for the rest of the week. Let’s be real, you didn’t have plans anyway.
6. When even what’s-her-name on Facebook gets engaged before you. A new day, a new Facebook notification that everyone except you is happily engaged. Or already married. Or on kid no. 5.
7. Pretty much every holiday. Valentine’s Day sucks for obvious reasons, and Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah are super fun when you have no one to bring home with you, so your parents make you sleep in the creepy room with the kid-size twin bed to make space for aaall the other happy couples. You’re happy for everyone! Really! That bed is just the worst.
8. Having to list an emergency contact on forms. Let’s see, there’s that guy you met on Bumble who you’re kind of texting, or your best friend who is now married and pregnant. Or maybe you should jot down your mom’s name for the 50th time. All you really want is to get your eyebrows waxed in peace, dammit.
9. Your mom. She loves to pry and loves reminding you how bad she wants grandkids even more. She says things like, “I’m not gonna live forever, you know,” and, “When I was your age, I was married with two kids!” If ever you’re feeling good about where you are in the single life, don’t go visit your parents.
10. Family vacations. Your siblings all bring their significant others, but you are flying solo (literally) in a middle seat between a baby who won’t stop crying and an old man who won’t stop snoring. Your parents always encourage you to bring a friend but you respectfully decline because you don’t need their pity.
11. When you find a cockroach or something in your apartment. The only person who can deal with it is you. Same goes for clogged drains and broken toilets. You’re on your own.
12. Fall. With all the hayrides, apple picking, and new TV show line-ups, fall (aka cuddle season) is a great time for couples. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be sitting around and sulking. You’ll be spending that time prepping your badass Harley Quinn Halloween costume so you can put all the couples’ costumes to shame.
13. Clothes that are hard to put on by yourself. Dresses with hard-to-reach back zippers. Those stupid hook and eye clasps. Super-tight body-con dresses. Theses things are too hard to put on/take off by yourself, so you give up and wear something else instead.
14. Bad dates. You finally decide to go out with someone, only to realize you’d be much happier cuddled up alone on your couch with your mermaid blanket watching The Bachelor with a glass of rosé and a giant tub of hummus than listen to him talk about himself any longer. Being single is