You waited until you’d dated a guy for several weeks before sleeping together. Though you were hot for him and curious about what getting in the sack would be like, you made a conscious effort to get to know him and trust him first.
So…that’s good, right??
Except…after you slept together for the first time, he grew distant. Maybe he started taking longer to reply to your texts…or ghosted altogether.
WTF? Why do men lose interest after sex? What did you do wrong?
If you’re like most women, you will never know why this happened or how to prevent it from happening again. You might be hurt and start to build a giant wall around your heart, brick by brick. You must protect yourself.
But you aren’t going to be that woman. I won’t let you.In this video, I am going to lay it all out there for you so that you understand why this happens. I’ll reveal the secrets that men won’t tell you about why they lose interest after sex.
We can sit around and argue about football statistics for hours…
We can focus intently on a video game for weeks, only coming up to eat and shower…well, eat, anyway.
We can change a tire in 10 minutes, yet it takes us a century to get our laundry done…
Like dogs, we’re easily distracted [SQUIRREL!].
And when it comes to love and sex, sometimes we don’t know exactly why we do what we do. Especially sex. There’s this thing called the reptilian brain that essentially seeks out sex and pleasure without regard to the consequences.
That doesn’t justify men losing interest in you. I’m just saying there’s a scientific component to this situation. Let’s dive in and learn more.
Stop wracking your brain as to what you did to make this guy pull away after you gave it up. It’s not you. It’s him.
I’m not just saying that. Remember me talking about that reptilian brain? Sometimes it guides him in his interactions with you, whereas you’re acting from your heart pretty much all the time. There’s a reason they say men are from Mars…they simply process things — including sex — differently than women do.
The best you can do is understand some of the reasons they back off after having sex with you, and figure out how best to respond.
1. All He Wanted Was Sex…and Nothing More
At a certain time in some guys’ lives, sex is all they want and they will do anything to get it.
That might happen in their 20s…
Or 50s. Sorry ladies. There’s no precise window of time I can inform you of. It’s different for every guy, and this isn’t even the case for every guy.
Guys who let that reptilian brain lead will work hard to win your heart, schmooze you, and get you to open up to them.
Once they’ve gotten what they wanted (sex), the game is over. The thrill of the chase is gone.
It may hurt. You might want to scream and stomp your feet, but you can’t take it personally. It’s just the reality of life sometimes.
For some men, sex boosts their self esteem. I mean, what could give a man more of an ego boost than a scantily-clad woman who wants to get frisky with him?
But get this: it’s not your job to boost his self esteem. And likely, he won’t keep that confidence high with having just you as a partner. The kind of guy we call a player is one who becomes practically addicted to conquering his “sexual prey” in order to keep that self esteem high. That means multiple partners for him, and lots of heartbreak for you.
And still others guys have sex to feel they have control over others. If there’s nothing substantial in your relationship with this man beyond what happens in the bedroom (and he gladly takes control there), this might be the case.
All that being said, what can you do about the guy who only wants sex from you? Look for the signs before jumping in bed with a new paramour.
If he only texts late at night or gives no effort to make plans that involve being outside of his home, take note of that. If his perverted jokes tip the balance beyond what you’re comfortable with, ask yourself why sexual innuendoes are his go-to sense of humor.
If he encourages you to drink more than you normally would on a date, push back. Drink slowly, drink lots of water, and don’t leave your drink unattended (better safe than sorry).
If everything adds up to it seeming like this guy isn’t all that interested in you with your clothes on, move on. You won’t change his mind once you’ve slept with him, and you’ll likely regret taking it that far if you’re looking for Mr. Right.
2. Lust Gave Him Blinders
Maybe this guy had every intention of becoming your boyfriend. He thought he was falling for you in the early days…then you had sex.
Now he’s internally freaking out because he realizes he barely knows you. Or that you have nothing in common.
That was great Jen…uh, Jamie…uh, Jessica?
Sometimes we can be blinded by lust and think we know people better than we really do early on. There’s a sort of glamor shot haze that we see people through (aka rose colored glasses), but as we get to know them, we might realize we have nothing in common.
So while it might seem like he might pull away after intimacy, it may be that he’s seeing (before you) that this has no future.
It’s easy to get really excited about this incredible physical chemistry between the two of you. The buildup to the first time you have sex can be mind-blowing (sometimes more than the sex; see #3).
But once the dust clears, he (and you) may realize that you really don’t know each other all that well, and maybe having sex too soon stunted the potential to grow together. Or else you realize that you aren’t all that aligned and that a relationship ain’t gonna happen.
In this case, my best advice to you is to take things slow from the start. Yes, you may be hungry like a wolf for him, but waiting will only make it that much sweeter when you do have sex. If you take the time to get to know each other first, you’ll be assured that being intimate will only enhance what you’ve got.
And, of course, you won’t have slept with a guy who bolted right after.
3. The Sexual Chemistry Just Isn’t There
That buildup I was just talking about had you so sure the sex would be toe-tingling and hair-raising.
Like in a rom-com, you were left staring at the ceiling, wondering what went wrong.
Maybe he just wasn’t into it.
Maybe he likes one thing, you like something else, and you weren’t comfortable enough to have a conversation about it.
Maybe he finished quickly…but left you still wanting more.
Each of these scenarios happens all the time, and they’re perfectly natural. Not everyone is sexually compatible. Take this as a sign that a relationship probably won’t be any easier.
Now, all this being said, it can be hard to judge sexual compatibility after just one session. One or both of you might be nervous. You don’t yet know how to express what turns you on, nor does he. It takes a while to get into the groove of another person’s body, wants, and needs, so give it another chance if you’re the one ready to throw in the towel.
If he seems uninterested in trying again, open up the dialogue to get him curious about how much better the next time will be.
Did you like it when I did [insert sexy move here] last night?
Is there something else you’d like to try?
I got really turned on when you [insert sexy move here].
It could be fun to try [insert sexy move here].
Guys like women who take initiative and who express confidence sexually, so make sure you frame the conversation positively and with suggestions rather than negatively or critically (“I almost got off until you finished, rolled over, and went to sleep!”)
It’s always worth the effort to try again. But be honest if you agree that the chemistry wasn’t there, and you don’t think that will change. Better to cut your losses and move on than to waste time on the wrong guy.
4. He’s Scared That You’re Getting too Emotionally Involved
Sandy liked Brian, but wasn’t head over heels with him…until they slept together.
Now he’s on her mind all the time, and she’s frustrated because he’s responding to her texts less and less frequently.
It’s not Sandy’s — or your — fault that sex and orgasms release oxytocin, which is known as the love hormone. It’s simple scientific fact.
So, you might feel more attached to a guy after sleeping with him. It’s normal, lady.
But for a man, especially if he thinks there’s just something casual happening between you two, he may get a little freaked out when he sees that you’re making googly eyes at him post-coitus.
You might be giving off signs that you want more than just a bootie call. You might ask what his weekend plans are, fully hoping that he’ll include you in them. You might talk about a concert happening three months from now, making it clear that you assume you’ll still be together.
If your behavior is making him pull away, you’ll soon know. He may lose interest, especially if he’s not really interested in that level of emotional connection right now.
If you really aren’t getting emotionally attached, communicate that. Tell him you like things being casual like they are. Or if you are ready to take things to the next level, go ahead and put it out there so that everything’s on the table.
Again, better to mark him off the list if he’s not in the same headspace as you than to waste time on him.
5. Not All Relationships are Meant to Last
If you think about it, many — if not most — relationships you have in your life are just meant to last a very short period of time.
There are, in fact, stages of a relationship:
Honeymoon period and peak sexual attraction
Post-honeymoon with connection and chemistry
Comfort and stability with some reduction in sexual desire
Resolution by breaking up or getting past the conflict
Just because there are six steps here doesn’t mean they can’t all happen in a matter of weeks! Some relationships fizzle out quickly, and honestly, those are better because you quickly figure out he’s not the right guy and can move on.
You may really, really hope that this guy is The One, but no amount of wishing will make that the case if he’s not supposed to be. In fact, the simple term “The One” indicates that…wait for it…there’s just one guy for you!
So expecting a new fling to turn into a long and fulfilling relationship? Well, the chances are slim. A million little factors need to line up. In order for a relationship to last, you need to survive so many levels of compatibility: sexual compatibility, intellectual compatibility, values, interests.
So many things need to click for two people to really have something for the long haul.
And many times when two people have sex for the first time, that’s a moment of clarity in the relationship. A lot of times men will just back off because having sex somehow opens their eyes to understanding that this is not what they want.
Don’t take it as an indication that you were bad in bed. Take it to mean that he got the message first that you two are not meant to be. He can’t be wrong; it only takes one person to decide that a couple isn’t going to work out; you can accept it and move on, or get angry and try to force him to love you.
Guess which will net better results.
You have to find a needle in the haystack. Nearly literally. Dating is all about getting to know more people so that you figure out what you want in a guy and then find him when the time is right and the stars align.
But don’t let him be the only one to determine whether this relationship has potential. Consider how things are outside of the bedroom. Do you enjoy spending time with him? Do you look forward to seeing him? Do you miss him when you’re not with him?
If the answer to these questions is no, you might be trying to force a relationship where there is none. Even if the sex is fantastic, that’s not going to sustain you.
Want more for yourself. A happy and healthy relationship has both amazing sex and wonderful quality time. The right partner is one you’re eager to have conversations about anything at all with, and one you’re just as happy curling up next to on the couch with as much as going out for dinner and a movie.
So don’t let sex dominate your view of this relationship (or…not-relationship, as it were).
Know this: your sexual power over men is incredibly potent. Men will climb over mountains for sex sometimes.
As someone famous once said (though no one’s sure who first said it; Spiderman’s uncle? Voltaire?):
With power comes great responsibility.
If you’re only using that sexual power to lure him in, don’t be surprised that once that power disappears, he does too.
Sex can be a healthy component of a balanced relationship, but it should never be used as a tool.
Men know the power that women yield over them. It’s probably why they pull into their turtle shells at the first sign of affection from women.
Know what you want from a relationship, and from sex, my Confident Lady. Don’t be afraid to express your needs, or to cut bait when necessary. You’re better off ending it with a guy you know will never want more than a romp in the hay if you’re on your path to love.